See Me
Why being understood matters so much.
I’m not sure if validation is so important to me because of my trauma and my deep need to be seen and understood, or whether it’s simply a normal human need.
We all want to be seen, don’t we?
Understood.
Heard with compassion.
Not long ago, I had a disagreement with someone.
They thought I was being irrational about something that, to them, really wasn’t a big deal. And the more they tried to explain why I shouldn’t feel the way I did, the angrier I became.
What made it worse was how convinced they were that they were being reasonable. They kept looking at the situation from their point of view, not mine. And I could feel myself getting more emotional and more desperate to be understood.
At one point, I even sent them articles about the importance of validating other people’s emotions. I remember thinking, If I can just show you the research, you’ll get it. But instead, they became defensive. It felt like they thought I was blaming them for their behaviour, when really I was just trying to explain what I needed in that moment.
Validation.
I still think about that ‘discussion’. Not because of the issue itself, but because it made me question … and finally understand why validation is so important to me.
It wasn’t that I needed them to agree with me. I didn’t.
I didn’t need them to tell me I was right.
I just needed the feeling of being seen. I didn’t want to be analysed, fixed, or dismissed.
My feelings needed validating.
According to Google, validation means “recognition or affirmation that a person or their feelings or opinions are valid or worthwhile.”
I think about that definition a lot. Because validation is a big thing for me.
If I’m upset, or angry, or in the middle of an argument, what I need first isn’t logic. It isn’t a lecture. And it definitely isn’t someone telling me to calm down.
Even if I seem irrational.
Even if my reaction looks out of proportion.
Even if, later on, I can see that myself.
In that moment, I just need the feeling acknowledged.
They don’t have to understand it. I just need someone to recognise that it’s real for me.
Trying to talk me out of my feelings never works.
But validation does.
When someone says, calmly, “I can understand why this bothers you,” something shifts. Not because the issue disappears, but because my body stops fighting to be seen.
And once that happens, I calm down.
Only then can I reflect. I’m gentler and open. I can take responsibility.
Validation is often misunderstood. People think it means agreement. Or excusing behaviour.
It doesn’t.
Validation isn’t saying, “You’re right.”
It’s saying, “I see you.”
It’s allowing the emotion to exist without needing it to be justified.
I’ll never forget being on the phone to my mother-in-law, trying to explain how hard it was having my baby in hospital. Our firstborn was in hospital for 14 months from birth. It was incredibly hard.
I remember sharing how sad I felt. How much I wished she was with me. How I longed to go to mothers’ groups and have something resembling a “normal” experience.
Her response was, “Well, at least you have a child. A lot of people can’t even have children.” It wasn’t said with any nastiness or deliberate intent to hurt me. But it still did.
And I remember shutting down.
I knew there were people worse off than me. I didn’t need a lecture. I didn’t need perspective.
I just needed her to say, “Yes, I can understand how hard it must be to come home from hospital without your baby.”
Validate my feelings - that’s all I needed.
Relationships that understand this matter so much to me. The ones that don’t rush to correct or fix or be right.
They start with: I see you.
Trying to talk me out of a feeling will never work.
But validating the emotion almost always will.
Because once the feeling is seen, I no longer have to fight for it. And when the fight stops, clarity finally has room to show up.
Next time you find yourself in a disagreement, try pausing.
Not to prepare your argument or prove your point, but to really listen.
You don’t have to agree with the other person.
But acknowledging and validating what they’re feeling, that it’s real for them, can ease the tension far more than being right ever will.
You might be surprised how much space that creates for real conversation.
Sarah x
This post is an incredible gift to me. Thank you for so eloquently sharing this truth.
An important post, Sarah. I totally identify with this. Being seen is everything 🙏❤️