What Are You Really Afraid of Losing When You Can't Let Go?

The Gift Of Goodbye

There is something that took me a long time to understand: some people are meant to walk away from you, and when they do, the most powerful thing you can do is let them.

I know this sounds hard to hear, but there's a difference between healthy persistence and desperate clinging. The hard part is knowing when someone's time in your life is up, even when it will hurt to let them go.

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The Performance of Friendship

For my 40th birthday, I went away on a houseboat with two other couples. We worked together and we were such a tight knit group. One night, they went around the dinner table saying nice things about me. Shane even wrote a song for me using the ‘Friends’ theme tune: "Everyone Wants To Be Sarah's Friend." I loved it.

I was so proud. I thought having so many friends meant I was doing something right.

But I was wrong.

This wasn't actually something to be proud of. I was trying to make everyone happy, and in the process, I never found me. I was so busy being what each person wanted that I never figured out who I really was. The real me got buried under all the fake smiles and "yes" answers.

The Wake Up Call

Just after turning 40, I started feeling really unhappy about these friendships. I was exhausted from putting on an act all the time, constantly looking for their approval. When I began having my own opinions and setting boundaries, some didn't like this new version of me.

That's when the horrible cycle started. I’d pull back, she'd be warm again, then cold. I tried to talk to her about it - but she never wanted to listen. This went on for years until I finally understood that I wasn't clinging because I loved her. I was clinging because I was scared. My trauma background made letting go feel impossible, abandonment felt like death. So, when people started to pull away, I would fight harder, love louder and give more.

When Friendship Turns Toxic

Not all friendships are meant to last forever, but some end because they've become genuinely harmful. This is what unhealthy looked like in my friendships.

· They control your choices

· Can't celebrate your wins

· Feel threatened by your other relationships

· Leave you feeling depleted instead of uplifted after spending time together.

I started second guessing every decision. Seeking approval before making choices that were mine alone to make.

How to Let Go

I had no idea how to walk away from someone I'd loved for so long. I felt completely lost - so I started doing these things.

Stop making excuses for their behaviour. I used to rationalise everything. Maybe they were stressed, maybe I misunderstood, maybe they didn't mean to ignore my text for three days. I wasted years coming up with reasons for why someone who claimed to care about me could be so consistently cold. When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time.

Get yourself a friend who loves you enough to be honest. Get someone in your corner who will tell you the truth, even when it hurts. My friend Jo would say so directly, "They don't love you. You deserve better." It was tough to hear but I needed that brutal and hard truth spoken to me.

Accept that love isn't enough. You can love someone and still walk away. I loved my friend, but love without respect, consistency, or kindness isn't actually love, it’s attachment. It's trauma bonding. It was the thing that I did.

Feel the grief. Don't rush past the sadness. Because it is sad, it’s a death and there is grief that comes with that. I needed to mourn what I hoped the relationship could be. What it had been before I found the courage to be me. It's okay to be sad about losing someone, even when letting them go was your decision and the right thing to do.

Trust your gut over your heart. Your heart will make excuses all day long. Mine kept saying "but remember when she..." or "it’s been 23 years of doing life together- I can’t just throw that away”. Your gut knows the truth. Your intuition is trying to protect you.

The Guilt and Grief

The guilt is normal. You might feel selfish for prioritising yourself. I had to keep reminding myself that setting boundaries wasn't cruel, it was necessary. You're not responsible for managing other people's emotions. Grieve the good parts too. Even though this friendship had turned sour there were genuinely good moments – actually some of my best days were shared with them. So, it's okay to miss certain aspects while still knowing you made the right choice.

What I Found

When I finally released those toxic friendships, that's when Jo walked into my life. We've been friends for 17 years now, and she loves me exactly as I am - messy and real. But I never would have found this friendship if I'd kept holding onto the bad ones.

Every minute you spend trying to force something that doesn't work is time you're not available for what actually does. When you stop trying to change people who don't want to change, you get your energy back to work on yourself.

Walking away taught me that some people can only love you when you're small. They need you to stay exactly where you are because your growth threatens their sense of control. But you weren't put on this earth to make others comfortable at the expense of your own authenticity.

The friends I have now applaud my wins, support me through challenges, and love me enough to let me change and grow. My circle is smaller but infinitely richer.

The best part about releasing people isn't about them, it's about you getting your power back. It's about finally understanding that your happiness doesn't depend on anyone else's approval. It's about coming home to who you really are.

Is there someone you need to walk away from but you're still holding on? Your gut already knows who they are. Maybe it's time to finally choose yourself. Your authentic self is worth more than any relationship that requires you to hide it.

Sarah x